Drowning
by Neveralien
Summary: An alternative version of the bathtub scene from the season 3 premiere.


**Summary:** Alternative version of the bathtub scene from the season 3 premiere.  
**Contains:** Spoilers! And brotherly Leo/Raph moments.  
**A/N:** This idea came to me in a dream, actually. I wrote it down as soon as I woke up just so I wouldn't forget it, and it was meant to just be a short summary to be posted on tumblr. But I guess I accidentally drew it out to be a bit longer than that since I can't write anything that's _supposed_ to be short.

* * *

It was a petty thing, to so intensely hate the jingles that played within every commercial break. They were only doing their job to catch the interest of the listener, but it sounded too happy for Raphael's tastes. The radio was usually off while Raph and his family were eating. This was a rare occasion when they had left it on to let it serve as a distraction from the sombre mood that had fallen upon the dinner table like a lead blanket.

Raph was resting his chin in one hand as one nail of the other absently scratched at the worn wood of the tabletop beneath him. He sighed into his hand, opening his eyes long enough to flick his gaze toward the empty seats in front of him. April's, Casey's, and… Leonardo's.

Turning his head to the other side, he saw Mikey mindlessly pushing his soggy cereal around the bowl in the same pattern he'd been doing for the past five minutes. Donnie's shoulders were stiff and his movements were almost mechanical as he lifted a spoonful to his mouth.

Silence was often a rare and valuable resource when living in a home full of brothers, but Raph wanted nothing more than to escape it now.

Having lost his appetite, he stood up and left the barely touched plate by the sink. Donnie glanced at Raph as he stepped out of the kitchen, remaining as quiet as ever.

Raph considered going outside to help April collect firewood, perhaps the fresh air would help him be able to shake off that dark cloud in his head. Whenever he tried to recall the events from the alien invasion, it felt no different than trying to remember a fevered dream. Everything felt jagged and surreal, and it all went by so quickly. By the time he'd finally reunited with his family, standing ready to follow Leo's next orders, he noticed that his older brother was missing - only to witness him crash through the window seconds later.

And then there was Master Splinter… Raph rubbed the knuckles of his left hand, still sore from banging them against the bars which had separated him from that horrible scene.

The sound of the TV stopped Raph dead in his tracks. He turned to the couch where he caught sight of Casey. Some Saturday-morning cartoon was on, but the empty look in his eyes made it evident that he wasn't really watching, or at least not paying any attention to it. Like the radio in the kitchen, the TV was merely background noise to whatever Casey was mulling on.

Raph knew he didn't need to question why Casey was sitting all by himself with a scowling expression. He was sure everyone in the farmhouse were haunted by the same thoughts.

_Leo._

Several minutes went by before Raph realised he was just standing in one place and staring at the staircase. The previous plans of going outside were virtually forgotten. He had spent so many nights in that bathroom, watching his brother sleep through his catatonic state. Donnie tried to tell him that it wasn't necessary, but Raph couldn't find it in himself to leave Leo's side. Every time he did, it was impossible to ignore the growing anxiety, the kind that left a terrible dread gnawing at your insides.

He hated seeing Leo like that. Most of all, he hated the fact that he couldn't do anything about it. That he couldn't simply grab his brother by his shoulders and shake him until he finally rouse.

Without giving it much more thought, Raph walked up the stairs and toward the bathroom. He sat down on the chair standing beside the water-filled tub, its loose tap dripping every few seconds. Leo's face was void of any emotion, it didn't even look like a peaceful slumber. Raph knew too well what his brother looked like when sleeping; always turning and tossing around, mumbling phrases from his favourite TV shows or random commands directed at his brothers. It was easy to tell whenever he'd had an especially pleasant dream as an overly goofy smile would be plastered on his lips when he woke up.

Now he looked… empty, _dead._ Dead but with the chest still heaving in breaths.

The times he sat there for longer periods, fleeting thoughts of "I wonder if Leo can hear me" wandered through his mind, and so he would talk about whatever - anything to keep the silence away. Admittedly, they were more wishful than anything else. Because with every single day that went by, the more he lost his hopes.

Leo didn't seem to show any signs of getting better nor worse. Nothing had changed after all those months since he was beaten within an inch of death; it was though he was stuck in limbo.

With a deep sigh, Raph cast his eyes to the floor. Hands in his lap, his fingers balled into tight fists. If there was any way to describe the emotions that disrupted his core to the point of physical agony, it would be like the feeling of drowning.

He'd experienced the feeling of drowning before, from long ago when he was even more of a braggart and rash. Despite not knowing how to swim properly, and without heeding Leo's warning, he'd jumped headfirst into the deep waters of the sewers for the sake of showing off a trick. The stream was too strong, and so Raph found that he couldn't swim back up to the surface.

With the panic quickly taking hold of any rational thought, Raph had started to kick and scream for help, only to have a rush of water sweep in through his airways, filling his lungs. The world turned blurry, and then black… but there was something else, right outside the corner of his sight. A green hand in the same size as his own reached out from the dark and grabbed his wrist, raising his limp body from the depths and up to the surface where he could breathe, up to the safety of his big brother's embrace.

He remembered that it wasn't so much the pain that was the worst part of drowning, even though it was pretty damn painful, it was the state of having his body sink like a heavy boulder, uselessly flailing his arms without any success, and then the knowledge of never being able to see his family ever again...

It had been the feeling of _helplessness._

Raph had made a promise that he would one day pay Leo back for saving his life. Somehow. But looking back at him, still lying lifeless in the bathtub, he couldn't help but let out a bitter laugh. Once again, Raph had been the one to mess up. While Leo, the perfect leader, was always there to save his brothers from dire situations, Raph was never there to when he needed him the most. Leo was all alone when Shredder and his goons repeatedly struck him into the ground with blades, claws and fists.

"Leo, please," Raph whispered, the tears creeping and pushing their way out no matter how much he tried to hold them back, ultimately clouding his vision as he leaned forward, "I'm so sorry. I… I promise you I will do better. I know I always say this, but this time I really mean it. I'll be a better brother..."

His voice cracked and he had to inhale sharply. "Just… please, wake up. I need you. _We_, all of us, need you!"

Raph's desperate pleads transitioned to whimpers, and then to heavy sobs. Any other time he would've felt ashamed of crying so openly when anyone could barge in through the door at any time, but now he couldn't give less of a damn. He could only care about Leo, and being hopeful that he was listening and remembering his promise.

_"Where…?_"

Tears continued to stream down Raph's cheeks, but he'd stopped his wailing. "Leo?" he called out hoarsely and raised his head, and it was like seeing something out of a hazy dream.

Leo was staring up at the ceiling in confusion, blinking slowly as he tried to adjust to the lights over his head. Realisation struck Raph like a ton of bricks, and without thinking he jumped up from the chair and wrapped his arms around Leo's neck.

"Leo! You're awake!" He couldn't believe it… but there he was, eyes open and everything! It really was Leo in his arms, his skin wet but warm. Being this close, he could feel Leo's heart beating against his plastron, fast… unnaturally fast… and it just kept racing.

Raph loosened the hug to look down, and what met his gaze was not what he'd expected. Instead of the same big smile that had spread across his features, he saw pure fear reflected in Leo's eyes. His mouth hung open, the words straining to come out as if he'd frozen in a panic. It gave Raph a sharp pain in the chest.

"Leo?"

Leo managed to tear his gaze away from Raph to frantically search the room, his mouth still wide open and gasping for air, seemingly only a moment away from hyperventilating. An uncomfortable lump took form inside Raph's throat as he didn't know what to make out of the situation. Was Leo in a frenzy because he'd been in a coma for so long?

"It's okay, it's okay! I'm here. Everything is gonna be fine," he tried in the most soothing tone he could muster up. Leo returned his attention to the red-banded turtle again, eyes still as wide as saucers.

Finally, he spoke, "Who-... who are you?"

* * *

**A/N:** To be continued...? I didn't have a continuation in mind when writing this, but I might add more if the inspiration strikes.


End file.
